kimi dakara (because of you)
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Sai says her last goodbyes to Kaede. (Note: Yuri)


**Fandom: Angelic Layer and Chobits  
Title: kimi dakara. (because of you.)  
Pairing: Sai x Kaede  
Rating: PG-13  
Description: Sai says her last goodbyes to Kaede. (Note: Yuri)**

**Disclaimer ****-**** Angelic Layer and Chobits are by Clamp.  
**  
Over and over,  
We play this endless game  
of chasing one another.

Turning into nothingness,  
Who are we supposed to believe?  
The person in the darkness  
or the one that walks in the light?  
The one that smiles before the crowds  
or the one that cries behind closed doors?

But still,  
despite everything,  
I want to give you everything.

I don't know how though,  
and that's what keeps us

apart.

**kimi dakara. (because of you.)  
by miyamoto yui**

Why is the ability to dream different from the ability to live?

As she looked at the scene before her, it was the same as it was years ago. It was exactly the same. Didn't anything change?

She looked at the mirror before her. Almost in shame, she looked around cautiously. Raising her eyes towards the heavens, she looked up to the white ceiling that blocked her way. Her eyes focused on the flickering fluorescent light that decided to die out while she went to the bathroom.

With her hands in fists, she would periodically release them. The girl in her green school uniform took a deep breath and she let out an enormous sigh.

"I want to cry," she told herself as she clenched her hands tightly. "I promised I wouldn't, but how can I go there and smile at her?"

Her head pointed downwards until she began to watch her own reflection in the silent bathroom mirror.  
"How can you always look so content? Until now, am I this weak?"

The tall girl wanted to scream at her own shortcomings as she washed her face once more. Then, she wiped her hands and walked down the hallway again.

It was almost a habit to visit three different bathrooms every time she went to visit her. She had to make sure that her face wouldn't convey any unwanted marks. She wanted to make sure that her heart wouldn't be so transparent even though that was exactly what the patient wanted.

In all honesty, she didn't know what to do.

In fact, she should have been at home right now. She should have been doing homework and studying for tomorrow's test. She wanted to engage in everyday acts that didn't require so much emotional effort.

It was too exhausting.

The girl was just lucky that the staff even let her visit her loved one.

As she passed through the darkened hospital hallway, she wanted to believe that both of them would come out of it together.

Turning the doorknob of the all too familiar room, she was greeted by a pretty face under the shining moonlight. The girl with the blue pajamas had her hair in braids and kept her hands folded before her delicately.

Her face glowed as she smiled from ear to ear…

…even with the oxygen mask over her mouth.

"Sai…" she breathlessly greeted, restraining her hands from trying to hold them out towards her visitor.

How much she wanted to hold her hands in between her cold ones. She wanted to feel again the pulsation of life which separated her from herself and the person in front of her.

"Hello, Kaede." Sai pushed one side of her long hair behind her ears as she sat down on the white chair next to Kaede's bed.  
Her eyes settled on the bouquet of carnations on the other side of Kaede's bed. Trying her best to smile, she commented, "Where did you get those?"  
"Aren't they beautiful?" Kaede said as she slowly lifted up her hand to lightly touch the bunch of flowers before her, giving the impression of wanting to hug them but didn't have the strength to. "Minoru gave them to me. He said he picked them from different places."  
"He didn't buy them?" Sai thought that was quite strange. He could have easily bought a bouquet for his sister.  
Proudly, the girl with the wheezy breathing said, "He wanted to do it himself. However, I had to explain that you couldn't just go around doing things like stealing flowers even though they're for a good cause. Minoru's still young, you know."

Kaede laughed while coughing a little as Sai immediately rubbed her back. It was so nice to touch and be touched.

"Ah," Sai replied as her hand settled on Kaede's back.

How long were they going to keep up this charade of an unspoken promise? How long were they going to keep on acting cool for the other's sake?

Sai was used to being the one to take up everything and Kaede was used to giving everything.

Why couldn't this go on forever? But more importantly, when would the time ever come that they could switch the roles they were so used to playing?

Almost as if they had planned it, Sai pushed herself onto the bed and sat next to Kaede while Kaede's left hand pushed off one side of Sai's coat. Sai took off her coat and carelessly dropped it on the white seat she just sat on. Kaede then leaned her head on Sai's chest while resting her left hand on Sai's tense shoulder.

They sat quietly like this while hearing the other's nervous breathing.

"I hate this," Sai thought to herself as all her insides twisted more and more.  
"Was this the meaning of strength, Kaede?" she wanted to say, but couldn't even open her mouth. She was too afraid of crying right then and there.

Drip, drip.  
Sai felt the tears on her arm, but they were not her own. Her eyes finally looked straight into Kaede's, which were now avoiding hers in the next second.

"I'm just as afraid as you are."

Leave it Kaede to always be so honest. Sai hated herself more. When would she ever learn to be like that?

"Kaede?" Her voice cracked. She was breaking down.

Sai's hand resumed rubbing Kaede's back. She didn't know what she was doing. Was it to comfort her? Was it to comfort herself?

She honestly didn't know.

All she knew was that time was running out as brushed her hand on her back and wanted to find a way to become close to the person she felt so far away from. She wasn't one to say very much, even if it was important. Caught among politeness, pride, and pain, she didn't know where to go from there.

"It's okay…" Kaede said while trying her best to curve her lips upward once more. She was trying to convince herself that it was okay as long as Sai was with her. After all, that's all she had left now.

"You don't have to tell me, Sai. I know. We already knew."

"Why…" Sai's heart was pounding on her chest. "…do you always know what to say?"  
"Because I can read your face so easily. You're very straightforward that way."

Sai then took Kaede's hand as Kaede sat up once more. Sai undid her blouse as she closed her eyes and pressed Kaede's hand over the skin enclosing her heart. Then, pointing her head downwards, she broke down.  
"I don't want to say goodbye again. Iyada!" She never heard herself scream like that before. It was liberating, but it scared her too.

Next, Kaede took up Sai's face into her hands and they watched one another gently. "But it's a part of life."  
"Why couldn't it be later?"  
"How about if we're not together then?"

It was then that Sai saw Kaede frown for the first time they had ever known one another.

Kaede sighed as she bravely challenged Sai's contemplative eyes. "How about if we lived for a long time and never wanted to talk to one another? For me, that would be much worse than this."

Sai then leaned her head on Kaede's shoulder. Her hands wrapped around her shoulders.

She swallowed up her fear and slowly undid her hands. Shakily, she awkwardly put her hands on the bed, but then they went under Kaede's pajama top. Kaede sat there silently, but then she put her hands on top of Sai's to help her.  
Pushing her onto the hospital bed, Sai unbuttoned the pajama top and kissed the space in between Kaede's breasts while Kaede's fingers softly held onto Sai's hair.

She closed her eyes as Sai continued to kiss every inch of her body.

If only she could take her place…  
If only she could show how much she had changed her from the ice queen into someone she never thought she could be.

If only…

As Sai's fingers reached inside Kaede's pants, her lips were already painting Kaede's neck red. It was then that Sai took off the oxygen mask for a short while to press her lips onto Kaede's and pushing her fingers deeper into her. Kaede's eyes closed tightly, feeling everything at once.

Then, Sai replaced the mask once more while Kaede's head turned to one side…

**+/+/+/+/+/**

As Sai walked up to the front to give the final comments for Kaede's funeral, people whispered to one another about their "odd" relationship. And yet, she walked up with a firm and determined resolve.

This was the strength Kaede had given her and she was going to show the world what it meant. Sai stood before the podium and held it with her hands for support.

"There are many things to be said, but when I wrote all of it out, my words were meaningless. I could say that I loved Kaede as any person in this room." She shook her head as her unwavering eyes pierced into the countless faces before her. "But that wouldn't be enough. Kaede said many things and taught me what it meant to truly live, but as kind as she was, she never really talked. Everything she taught anyone was never through words. She smiled at you."

Sai was unafraid to cry as the tears fell down. However, her voice did not shake.

"Through all the people that had harassed us throughout our lives,  
Through all the people that didn't want to understand each of us,  
Through the admiring audiences which chanted our names as if it were a religion,  
Through the media slanders about us, almost banning us from Angelic Layer…

Through it all, Kaede simply smiled at you.

Even when you thought she was going to complain, she was silent. _That__'__s_ how courageous she was!  
Even though she couldn't tell me how much it scared her to be sick all the time, to live without a mother,  
to be loved by a million people but was never able to tell me any of her pain.

The girl who held 'Heaven's smile'will not ever show her enigmatic grin to the audiences which adored her, but you won't remember it as well as me.

Kaede always took things into her heart, whether good or bad, and shaped that smile to become so deep. And she was so generous with it.

That's why I loved her so much.

She didn't waste her smiles. Each one meant something."

Sai grinned wider and then she nodded her head. She didn't go back to her seat. With Minoru taking his hand into hers, they walked out until the rest of the funeral was finished.

Taking up the crying Minoru into her arms, she kissed him on the lightly on the lips, in place of his sister.

Sai thought of the last thing Kaede said before they fell asleep that night:  
"I was only able to smile like that because of _you_. Don't ever forget that, Sai."

When she turned her back away from the freshly made grave, Sai told Kaede:  
"Goodbye until we meet again."

It was the first thing she ever thought when Kaede passed by her. She glanced at her as the sakura petals fell down and were swept by the wind.

She thought of this as she stood there frozen in time.

When she looked at the replica of Kaede's face in front of her, created from Minoru's own hands, she almost cried. When Minoru slept on the couch before booting the new persocom, Sai stood before the figure and holding desperately onto her face while touching her forehead with her own.

Still, she questioned, "Why is the ability to dream different from the ability to live?"

Kaede, I still haven't learned that part yet.

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author's note:** During another struggle with writer's block, this suddenly came up. I missed writing about Sai and Kaede, a couple I truly adore. Wow, I actually wrote yuri. Go me. v^o^v

I've been asked to write a lemon for Sakura and Tomoyo. I'll think about it... ^^;;;  
I hope you have enjoyed my short fic.

Yui

**1/19/2005 1:49:28 AM**


End file.
